Eve, I can appreciate your background and my wife and I are dealing with similar situations. The ironic part of our story is that my family has operated skilled nursing facilities since 1965 and never expected our parents would need special care and attention. My mother who is a nurse now deals with the early stages of dementia and my father is battliing lung and brain cancer. On my wifes side of the family, her father has heart problems, and her mother has become feable and has had multiple falls in recent months. As the eldest I have the responsibility of overseeing the daily lives of my parents and my wife is the responsible child in her family. Not only are we dealing with the health issues but the financial stress of not knowing their income and debt. Anyway thanks for the blog and I'll monitor it regularly. We have 5 adult children the youngest 23 and we're telling them their time's coming.

Hi Eve, as I read your blog I thought it was a reflection of my life. My mom has dementia and she is 73 years young. I feel exactly as you when you say "just when you thought"............just when I thought after raising a daughter as a single parent for the past 8 years who has now begun her college experience, I would enjoy some much desired freedom. Suddenly, life threw a curve ball that swept me off my feet. It was time for mom to be placed in an assisted living facility. The financial burden does fall on me but the medical care, ensuring mom's happiness, errands & visits do. I am also the healthcare representative in our family. This has been a complete life shift for me. My stress level has been totally unbelievable. Thanks to constant prayers, many tears and words of encouragement and comfort I am slowly managing this trial. Mom's happiness is extremely important. She loves the new facility and has met many friends but there are occasions when she talks about going home. This is only a natural thing or so I thought. My surprise phone call came on the second day at her new facility. I was told that mom wanted to leave the premesis. I left work frantically trying to get to mom to give her comfort and assurance. Due to this incidence, all has been turned upside down.
The administration decided that it would be best to place mom in a memory care (locked) area during the day and have someone sit with her at night. I was the chosen one to be with mom at night. Life just became even more complicated. Sleeping away from home at night to assist mom and dashing to work mornings and back to the facility after work. What a roller coaster ride (physically & mentally). Mom did not like her independence taken away and therefore disliked the locked area. Actually, the residents in that area have more medical needs and are less coherent than mom. Communication helps my mom to thrive as she loves a good conversation. As a result, administration advised that we have a day sitter for mom as well and she will be free to move about the unlocked area. We are hoping that this will help with her transition and my family and management will soon be happy. I never dreamed that my mom would be diagnosed with dementia nor that my life would have become so altered. Thanks to God for helping me slowly adjust to this very heavy challenge.

First let me thank those of you who took the time to share your heartfelt personal accounts of being caregivers. My heart goes out to you for the daily and often minute by minute emotional responses we are asked to make in our lives to our loved ones, be them family or friends. We find ourselves reaching deep within to discover reserves for inner strength we didn't know we have. Some find comfort in a spiritual faith while others question their faith during these challenging times that often feels like there is no end in sight. It is said that the universe doesn't give us more than we handle as life is supposed to be a learning experience. Don't you want to ask yourself, "Do I really need one more darn learning experience?"
The truth is the world is better place with people like you who are givers with rich compassion and personal commitment to family. Fortunately, the internet has enabled us to easily touch a stranger with similar struggles and hopefully experience a "virtual hug" knowing that you are not alone.

Marsha: It is not realistic or healthy for you to be the night attendant for your Mom on an ongoing basis. Remember, we need to keep our mental, physical and financial reserves intact and take care of ourselves first in order to have the capacity to give to others. It is so easy to get run ourselves into the ground on any one if not all of these fronts. When this happens, a whole new set of issues arise and they are not pretty.

Personally, I am learning to set some boundaries and establish better priorities. Which parent needs me more and where can I make the most meaningful contribution in any one situation? This means asking for assistance from siblings or others which isn't easy to do but can be vitally important. The tendency to think we can do it all is not healthy. If others can help with the niggly "stuff" , then we can focus on the larger matters. We give to our children throughout their upbringing and now we need to ask them to step up for more responsibility during life's hard times. Rather than protect them from this burden, it will help build character and give them the exposure to the aging process and life cycle. We joke around that we should be nice to our kids as they choose the nursing home but the truth is that senior housing or caring for a loved one with ailing health is a family matter. It typically does fall on the shoulders of one primary caregiver but I think we can do a better job of requesting assistance from others. This is often easier said than done.

Thanks again for sharing your personal situations. Your families are so fortunate to have you in their lives. Did you see the full moon last night? It was exquisite! We mustn't forget to stop to see the beauty in nature or some random act of kindness to make us smile in the midst of coping with our activites of daily living.

Hello Eve,
My husband and I are also experiencing some similarities to those you mentioned. We have fourgrown children with the youngest just married May 31st of this year. My parents in their 80's are both fairly healthy but out of state and I worry about how I will be able to assist themas their needs arise. My mother has macular degeneration and is considered legally blind. Lives in a town with no public transportation, no grocery stores etc. My father-in-law is also several states away and is in a nursing home requiring skilled care. No other living relatives of his in the area and we have been trying for several months to have him transferred near us. He is eager to make the move but we have been unsuccessful in finding availability at a facility that has a good reputation. He is 90 years old and mentally sharp the majority of the time but requires constant care. My husband and I own a child care center and spend 12 hours a day there so we can not care for him at our home. The frustration of not being able to bring him here where we can see him and be sure he receives proper care is overwhelming.

Hi there Eve,
My oh my, don't know why I chose today to google you...I am a fellow Columbia grad and like to credit you with helping me find Ames in the lower level of Armond Hammer ;-) Library up there on Haven Ave. We have been married for almost 30yrs and have three children ...My heart goes out to you and your full plate with both sets of parents in this late stage of life. My mom is still around. She was spectacular till she turned 80 and had cortisol secreting adrenal tumor removed. She is still living independently with a lot of help from my older sister;mostly paying bills and driving her around to her various medical appts and weekly errands. I honestly don't think my sister and I had THE discussion with my mother that we should have had to prepare her for her declining years.She actually just wouldn't make any decisions for herself and we didn't want to make any hard choices without her input. Add to that the deterioration of her judgment/decion-making skills and the necessary choices become all the more painful for us all. My youngest is waiting to hear from colleges and the life Ames and I had hoped to regain is being put on hold as we consider what must be done for my mother. Life is all about challenges, we all just hope to do our parents justice to be respectful and give them what they need. Not easy in these times especially when so much of my Mom's, and so many seniors,savings have been decimated by this financial crisis. You look as beautiful as ever-same great smile! Take good care.